Tribute to those i love!!

Just read a friend's blog and it filled me with a pain.Strange but yes, the strength i carry inside me and the "dont care much " attitude about some difficult situations that i try adopting at times, thanks to the motivation around, seemed to be fading away.Feeling a tinge inside, remorse,regret and a helplessness.Reasons are not one but many.What am i doing here away from home?Earning good bucks?Enjoying living on own terms?Discovering me?Learning from people around?Interacting with people?Or travelling and loving nature?What exactly m here for??Aint i missing loads of things back home?Aint i missing the need to nurture my younger brother's talents? Am i not supposed to help him out in his queries and teach him as i did at times when i was at home?Shouldnt i be taking care of my mother when she develops a sore throat, has fever or is burdened with loads of daily chores? Shouldnt i be taking my brother and mother to some place,as they get bored being at home at times, at a time,when i am watching 3 Idiots in awe at a theater or shopping at a mall with my friends?Shouldnt i be showering my care that i show to people close to me,my friends to my parents??Not that they need it but i owe it to them.I owe my existence,my achievements,the meaning of my life,the blessings ((all theirs),my destiny which is a result of their prayers to them.My mother who gets so worried when she sees me in trouble,when she doesnt sleep if i am worried,is an epitome of a sacrifice, i wonder, i will be able to do, when i become a parent some day.No wonder, they call mother the supreme and above heaven.My younger brother, writes me notes on "farewell!Take care " and buys toffees/chocolates for me whenever i leave from home for another city for so called office life?And the feeling that grips me whenever i leave home everytime is just symbolised in one word-empty/choked.


And then, one more thought keeps striking, am i doing justice to my relatives?My grandma (both maternal and paternal), my dadaji, who bothers to call me and what i hear first when he calls up is his laugh,and then some words of how i am doing.Makes me feel small, really small at times for not being much in touch.I, at times feel worried for my naniji,who cant stop blessing me whenever she meets me, and a sad thought prevails in my mind for that time.My dadaji and dadiji, who were so close to me when i was young, they nurtured the golden phase of my infancy with their utter love, concern and care.And here am i,far away from them, not bothering to call, talk to them,though i try meeting them whenever i go home.Out of a fear at times.Shouldnt say this but a fear of losing them.Just feeling like talking to them, and will call them soon.when i miss my childhood,i miss them.I miss them through the memories that my photographs help revisit,i miss the tales that my dadi used to tell me before sleeping, i miss spending my vacations with her,i miss being spoilt with her love and all the tantrums that were the result of so much love, i miss my bua who has been a sweet elder sister , who always let me use her cosmetics, creams and took me places with her.!I miss the times that can never come back.I miss going with my dadaji everyday while he used to bring milk,and come home carrying chocolates,or sweet cigarettes and eat an dplay with them entire day.. LOL..:-)
I miss my naniji's big and delicious chappatis(full of ghee) which i havent eaten elsewhere in my life till now,i miss the stories she used to tell,I miss the place and my nanaji's pics that hung on the well,with a garland.I miss my cousins, hanging out with them,laughing like anything, their pranks on me, i miss my maasi and the times with her and her daughter, my cousin with whom i have had a lot of fun,hanging together.But i hate it for not being much in touch.I hate it for not connecting to them frequently.Feel guilt at times when the phone rings and i see on my cell,dadaji calling or bhai calling(cousin), and i hate it for not being the caller but the receiver, but i know the memories are intact and the respect and love too.And it will.Till i am alive.I thank them all for adorning my life with their presence and becoming the lovely possessions i have.

Man ke vichaar!!

Aj in akhon me neend nai hai, par kabhi to hogi..
shayad ye raat lambi hai, par andhere ko dekhte dekhte suraj se mulakaat to hogi...
Vichaaro ka drid nischay jeet raha hai har pal,
nasamajh ankhein deti hai dhoka,thakaan ke bahaav me beetega ek lamba kal..
Ankhein mundne ki asha hai, barso ho gaye dekhe suraj ki pehli kiran..
par afsoos hai is soch ko daba deta hai har baar ye chanchal sa man...
sama shaant hai,raat ne aisi chadar bikheri hai..
bas main hu aur kahin udti si neend,wo chidiya andhere me bhi kitni sunehri hai..
Man na khush hai, na hi gum ya koi niraasha hai,
na hi hai kisi ki umeed, na hi koi asha hai..
ek patta bhi na hilta hai,kahi door rat sar sar kar apna ehsaas dilati hai,
so ja o pagli, so ja tu kyun der raat tak soch ke sagar me doobi samay bitati hai??
kyun na tu apne man ko rokti hai, apni ankho r shareer ko kyu tu roj satati hai,
main ayi hu tere lie,tu kyun na fir mujhme sama jaati hai, tu kyu na so jati hai???
Ae pyaari raat, jab sansen har pal chalti hain aur samay nirantar badta hai,
lehrein chahke bhi na tham paati hai, aise hi ye man har pad khud se ladta hai..
apni raah banata hai, girta hai sambhalta hai,
khud se,duniya se,kuch prashan anokhe karta hai,
par ye har pal vichaaron ke sagar ko cheer age badta hai..
har pal uttar dhundta,dusre pal naya sawaal karta hai,
shatranj ka ek kachcha khiladi,ye khud hi apne dard ko harta hai..
par bas apni hi karta hai...
bas ek sawaaal tha is man me ...
ki jeevan ka kya antim hai, raah ab kitni baaki hai..
to ye chanchal bola, jeevan ka ras pita ja saki, jaam abhi baaki hai..


:)...i dont know if it was me writing...started at random and created this somehow though i am not that good at hindi much!!

Silly and Sweet saturday

I have never felt so free and happy before.Did a lot of shopping today thanks to the season sale and me and my excited roomates, and realised that there is a grave need to lose some weight,its high time now and i have been neglecting the need and gorging like anything.Time for some serious introspection and concern.
But,blame it on time.It has never flown so smoothly since long.Not much problems bothering me, no rush of sad feelings of late,great roommates to share my time with, means weekends do not mean cribbing alone or being left to mercy of my laptop, not many encounters with people whom i cant relate to,though on and off somethings happen which shake me a bit, but nothing serious has caught my eye.Work is cool, not that much and am enjoying the free time.Have become too too lazy, started watching movies(at the mercy of channel Z studio), eat a lot as compared to before..(this is an alarm which i try fitting in my mind and it never calls off at right time,when i m near sweets,cake n all the fattening things..Lol... just like my stupid cellphone alarm), and last but not the least, drink a lot of tea(almost addicted).Dont know why i am not following the restraints and being what my heart says at the moment, no regrets after that too.Maybe its a passing phase.Maybe i have let my hair down for good.Maybe it is compensating for some challenging phase ahead, so that i do not complain in future, may be its the chance to live off each moment in extremities, so that i may experience the thrill of following my heart.Though i am not chilling out with people, friends and partying at all(thats so rare), but i feel great about being at home here,and enjioying the daily chatters,the time spent with variety of people i come across with, in office and home ofcourse.Its real and fantastic at the same time.Speaking of the moment, me and one of my roommates are scribbling something on our laptops, rest sleeping and i am feeling the magic of togetherness, it feels like home.Have so many pending tasks to complete, but i no more feel the pressure to complete them.:-)
Call it madness, laziness or stupidity.But m enjoying it and thats matters i guess.. :)
Speaking of whats on my mind(Sorry, blame the line on facebook..:)) just reminding the funny experiences of the day, shopping till we were drop dead, running from one to other trial room with loads of clothes in our hands, and all ladies around,waiting in queues over a dabba sized trial room,and the repeated trails and successes and failures.And last but most funny part, asking each other about whether what we took suits us,or we should drop some really hard earned picks(aah...with all those trials @ 5 trials per pick), now that e have been spending so much, and cribbing about losing so much money, thinking, rethinking and finally taking up things.Never leaving the dresses on display so that we may not miss anything better(Lol...) and me, checking the prices before liking somethings in particular..Lol..and letting go in case its too overpriced..:)
And the biggest boost is the non stop assurances from friends that the particular clothing item is too good, too sober, no, not overpriced, you must not lose it..:-)...
The fun of shopping is whats on my mind and it was awesome.

Creeping together!!

Saw this beautiful creeper in the garden near my place while i was taking a walk an airy evening.Tried capturing but couldnt get it right as it was dark, so finally clicked it next day.Everytime i see this thing while i pass through that zone, i just find myself smiling.Though funny, a random thought came into my mind that this creeper suggests some hearts sticking together, not knowing the direction they will move in, trusting in the plant,wind and the immediate heart they are with, and just standing still,waiting to be swayed in whichever direction nature wishes them to be in.See the gaps in between the groups of two hearts,which give the impression of the space each one of the couples is getting, but still they will all move in same direction once wind blows in force.Strange but isnt our life in coincidence with many people we dont know,never seen, or will ever get to meet? Isnt our fate and destiny working at times in sync with many other people on earth? Arent our decisions the same tough and on same lines as some other people? We are sailing in same boat, many of us,but how we emerge out is different.The mind and heart.The various permutations of the reactions mind and heart together produce in every individual give way to whole lots of decisions and their outcomes-at times complications or at times simple escapades,some tragedies, some moments of happiness or some discoveries into the unknown.But, who makes the best decision in a situation? The one who is more happy today? What is happiness- is it about subduing your wishes in lieu of the word compromise/sacrifice? or is it about rebellion and this flying high? God knows.Coz whats the certainty that the one who is subdued today will not be a free bird tomorrow, free from the guilt of going against the trend, free from a life lived for his/her own and not for others, guilt for being mean..? And you also dont know whether the one who rebelled today will never run into clutches of loneliness and solitude, boasting of a freedom without a meaning, all alone ??
Theres no exact in life. Wherever it is, peace prevails.Not because it is the way it is supposed to be , because it is the way we get used to accepting it.Acceptance is so difficult but the way it makes life easier is remarkable.
Well , i got off track.. :-)
The view i wanted to portray through this pic was of togetherness and warmth.The gullible hearts floating along make me think if that's life.Living on the edge,unsure of consequences,because you know whatever may happen, you have near you a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold on while you keep your fingers crossed for success ,a pair of eyes to understand your silence, and ears to share your victories and defeats.
And thus, may love prevail forever, ever.Ahem.. :-)

Twilight

"See u r dancing..."
"Am prom...why did u save me??...you could have let the venom spread..i cud be like u by now..."
"You dont know wat u r saying..you dont want this.."
"I want u..always.."
"Am not gonna end your life..."
"Am dying already...i need a second and get closer.."
"Its way it is supposed to be.."
"i understood that u saw me like u.."
"Visions change...."
"Based on them, you decide..i decided.."
"So thats wat u dream about ??Becoming a monster..???
"I want to be with u forever."
"Forever? ..And you are ready rite now..?? "
"Yes...."
A Pause.A tinge of nervousness in Bella's eyes. She closes her eyes and edward moves closer to her neck.
A kiss on the neck...
"Is it not enough...??just to have a long and happy life with me...??
"Yeah...for NOW."

"No one will surrender tonight,but i wont give in..
i know what i want..."(I will keep on insisting to edward to turn me to a vampire some day only to be his forever, ever)

Simply superb.

The ending note of the movie Twilight.An awesome work, i am completely mesmerized by these words that Edward and Bella exchange,and which in my view, is the complete definition of love in true sense.Faith,sacrifice,compassion, care, warmth, the things which make the exact meaning of love, are all a part of these odd lines, perfect, pristine and priceless.In eyes of Bella, i saw the faith that surpassed the biggest fears on this earth,in her belief and actions, i saw the best dedication i have ever seen till now, in her efforts to save her parents, i saw the best daughter in the world.In Edward's control in not letting himself attack bella, i saw the true enormity of sacrifice, in his eyes, i saw the most honest promise one has ever made,in his protectiveness towards bella, i saw the best warmth love could have, in his undying efforts to make bella safe, i saw the fulfillment of promise in true terms, in his success at leaving bella safe when he was sucking her blood, to extract venom out of her body,i saw the most worthy rememberance of memories in life.And in their successfully emerging out to be together at the end of the day, i saw love, in its most pristine and unimaginable form.I am no Edward, i am no Bella, and i am not at all related to the masterpiece that "twilight" is, yet i am privileged to be seeing and imagining what i mentioned above.

Though some part of me is dreaming and asking some obvious questions...
Is love really that true..?
Is faith that strong?
Is a promise that firm that it may break the one who promised before letting it go unfulfilled?
Is sacrifice and control any better than this in todays times?
Can someone still claim to speak the following words like Bella did:

"I never given much thought to how i would die..but dying in place of someone i love would be good way to go...
i cant bring myself to regret over decisions that brought me face to face with that..
They also brought me edward.."

I probably do not know.If any answers exist,i wish they become a part of my life, your life, everybody's life and thus love may prevail.

P.S.: The title of movie speaks it all:
Twilight - A faint light; a dubious or uncertain medium through which anything is viewed. Edward and Bella saw and followed the light and rest is history!!


I wish to let this post sail on in its own randomness without any questions, any other comments welcome as ever.. :)

A Cuppa Coffee!!

have been having this coffee thing on my mind since few days now, so finally thought of writing about it..I have moved to a place that’s near to a Cafe coffee day joint, rather just next to it. Every night, at around 12, when i am mostly sitting with my laptop doing nothing great , the thought of CCD joint and the atmosphere there, seems to take me away. I feel like going to the place that very moment, but stop myself when i look at the clock. I crib to my friends online about not being able to go out at that time, though its not about security or going late, but it is more of the fact that i dont wish to go alone, now that my roommates are mostly asleep by then.:) The funny thing is that i start imagining the fascinating capuccino cup in my mind, and i start experiencing the smell of freshly brewed hot coffee and smoke coming out. And my ears try hard to trace out distant conversations going on in CCD among a group of people hanging out there. (Though then i try hard and somehow hear a distant bark of a dog, and thats funny enough.. :))And so the desire to go to the place.Sounds funny, but maybe the air outside catches that aura from CCD and drops it right there at my window, leaving me tempted :) Just remembered one more interesting conversation related to CCD, rather more of the tagline of CCD which some guy used to indicate to one of my friends that he wants to have a cup of coffee with her and get to know her better. The way she shooed him makes me laugh and remember her everytime i think about CCD.

Whatever, but its a great upliftment when you are a part of a rocking place, with all great shops and places to hang around so near, even if you dont get to go so regularly, but you can have the virtual experiences very very often..

Will be there at CCD soon, and will be looking forward to a good experience. After all , they say “A lot can happen over coffee”!! :-):-)

The Moon washed hours

1:40 am .Pin drop silence except the slow motion of fan and keys of my laptop's keyboard.Some dizzy noises of dogs barking somewhere.A peaceful room.All my flatmates sleeping by this time.I am half sleepy.My mind doesnt want to stop.Brimming with innumerable questions. Wish to meet him.The God/mentor/fate or whatever you may call.Want to trace out whats next.I am not bored, not dejected, not defeated, not in despair, not in loss.But, a bit lost.The mood swings can be well blamed.Or the new place, lack of much people whom i know.Or maybe i am missing the people i used to derive happiness from.People around me are all good, thanks to god.But i am not me at this moment.Missing something.Reading lots of blogs.Finding it difficult to kill time at times.Feeling i am wasting a lot of precious time.Need to study but just can't.Not in a mood at all.Want to head straight to CCD just in front of my flat, alone or with a group of friends,imaginary thought. :-) Foolish me, dreaming big time.Felt like i acheived a feat sometime back.But, did i really? The tough times are here to come.Need to focus, work hard and show some grit and confidence.Need to synchronise my mind and my actions well on time.Need to console, assure myself of decisions i make from time to time.The place is great, people are cool.But a loneliness gripping me tight.I never try fighting it out.The evening walks down the building are great, refreshing but missing the magic. Missing the happiness i feel everytime i go for a walk with the air brushing against, the beauty of green and children playing, me smiling at cuter ones.. :).Feeling a concern for family, on and off.Feel like taking a step back.Dont want to lose the pitch but something there still grips my mind. Some confusions still biting at times.Life of people around is so simple, they are waking up in the morning, busy with office, returning and sleeping on time. But, for me, night is an old friend.Hope to sleep well, be at peace, stop feeling weird at some points of time.Hope to be the same me, happy with myself and things i do.Hope to be at peace soon.I know i will turn it into a transient phase..I know i will emerge soon..I know i will see the light soon...

Careless!!

Sometimes some strange things happen which take my composure away like wind.Like today itself, i did a blunder in office by misunderstanding the client timings for my interview scheduled to be today, and thought it is scheduled for tomorrow.And made a mess of it by topping it with my failed attempts to converse to onshore team via Company's boardline facility. I had to call on an ISD Number and to my dismay, there is no ISD availability on my connection.Alas, all doors seemed to be closing at that instant.Finally, after frantic efforts, the interview could not take place as the client was unable to hear anything except static and is rescheduled again.But it left me feeling full of guilt and irresponsibility, and am surprised at how careless i become at times, to the height of neglecting my hearing, seeing and thinking abilities.God, its so crazy when you do not read the subject mail where date has been mentioned so well and you end up believing people who havent received the mail. :- On a serious note, first mistake of the year 2k10.

Makes me realise its high time i gear myself up, for the challenges, responsibilites and stop being the crib that i am.I should be holding my mind high with my head.Time is moving, will never stop but why does my mind stop exactly at the point time starts flowing fast?? Mad. Everywhere around, i see people at peace, enjoying being with their family, friends, even rejoicing minutest of the minute things while i crib and cry and fail to remind myself that theres more to life than problems,and they must be handled single handedly and single mindedly, but not with the views of 10 people around you.Coz u know the worth of ur desicions and u will have to face the same, not those 10 odd people. Sometimes, i lose synchronisation between mind and heart, my heart says "go for it" while my mind wanders in the silly calculations of how the "it" will not be good for me, making it all so complex. I keep on fighting the battle between mind and heart while some important things which deserve great attention remain unnoticed, untouched and then a blunder happens.And wakes me up finally. Dont know how and why it happens, but its kind of crazy !!

Behti Hawa Sa Tha wo...

Wondering whether people like Rancho (read 3 idiots star)do exist today,if they do, when am i going to meet one..;) Yes, people like rancho know how to live life on their terms, they know it all yet do what they love to do, no matter how defeated the world makes them feel, how much pressure the peers put on them, how many words of wisdom are poured on them and how many daily doses of wary looks they are subjected to every day. All sorts of preachers, who themselves dont know how much good they are at things they have never tried pursuing in life, due to fear,try hard to park the thoughts of such brilliant people in wrong paths, unaware of the fact that people like rancho know how to take up their dream boat to the right shore.Discovery comes to those who try outreaching their dreams, fears, uncertainties and who like playing with the risks in life.not always to those, who bend at the first storm that comes and change their paths.Ofcourse, everybody ends up finding contentment somehow, some accepting the fact that it was lack of courage that has led him to where they are and so they have none to blame,some blame themselves, crib, cry, talk and finally find solace by pursuing some other passions while some end up fighting their fears, and live upto their passions, not talking high of their victories but yes, smiling at themselves because they know, they have proved to be the winner of their desires.Whatever, but such people must be really interesting and are rare.. :( Having seen few of them, though never had a chance to peep into how they live their lives, i feel great to see these people budding with life, loaded with enthusiasm, knowing the exact worth of each moment, they have the maximum life can offer.Time is a tide, and they flow in so fast, that every day becomes a memory for such people.How difficult it is to keep the kid in you alive and let him overtake your mature self,to be doing the things that you, at a particular age are not supposed to do? I myself feel uncertain when i think such things...So all in all, such people are a real example of "Life" and are an epitome of a life worth lived..Wish to see some more people in life like Rancho!!!!

The Wiser winners

Just felt like writing about a simple conversation which made me think what it is to life . While i and my roomate were having our dinner, we got a chance to talk to the cook in the guesthouse, somehow he shared out of the blue that he is married and his family is there in bihar.Maybe he was missing them, i observed his face and expression said so.Married since two years, he has just been to his home only for 4 months since then. My instantaneous thought was that it is unfair on part of his wife, to be managing alone without him, when the time is just right for her to see life, enjoy life and gather some moments to cherish upon later.She must be missing him, the thought of him being far would have made her feel jealous sometimes, of the people who are seeing him everyday, interacting with him, getting to spend time with him, his friends and coworkers, while she is counting days only to be hoping for his arrival. So, i asked him the question that bothered me, when i though about her, "why dont you bring your wife along? It is not fair to let her alone? " And his answer was simple, convincing, perfect and touching.He is quite innocent and told us that he has constructed a big house in bihar.His father has taken a lot of loan so he is working here, to repay the same.The way he told that he has done nothing in life except constructing a great house was very touching.I was grounded by honesty of his efforts to be the ideal son, the only son that he is of his parents.When we urged him to bring his wife along, he told that his parents deserve equal attention, so his wife will be with them till he returns.And he will return once he repays back the loan.He told me that he is confident that he will make up for the loan amount very soon, and he is very sure about it.With a great spirit of never giving up, he justified not bringing his wife along, by facts and figures which included accomodation costs, grocery costs etc. and said that he would prefer her spending this money on herself there rather than be wasted here in living together.His theory, but very innocent and true.When he exclaimed that only his presence was missing, rest he makes it sure that all her needs are catered of, was very touching. He believed that being the only son, he cant give up easily, and needs to equal up with the efforts of his father back home, in growing paddy and wheat.God forgiving that i felt he is, he set an example of satisfaction by proclaiming that god has given him all, but some struggles he needs to make and he will come out of all, successful.Great spirit and hats off to such attitude!!
And we crib about much pettier things in life, starting from a bad day at work to all sorts of weird things, Dont we?
So, whos the wiser winner, he or us? Probably we better know it in our hearts.

Look Back...

Lot of hovering around, now back to my space..:)
I have been surfing FB like mad, putting on statuses frequently, checking my gmail account time and again, for the umpteenth time. A kid at times, i seek assurances at points where at the same time,i find my ways out, alone, feeling more brave.Especially, now that i am out of the cosy, rosy comfort of a place you have been staying since long and trust the people for not misguiding you(with paths ofcourse..Lol), i feel a battle won everytime i get myself to discover a place, or a landmark, or be it the way to office. Small things mean a lot when you know what you put for them to be in place. Though subdued at times, i feel best when i am with the people who know me, where i can be real me, cracking jokes, laughing is a big hit all the time.And in the new place,becoming the giggling gag is not so easy..Lol... so its kind of difficult holding back at times when i feel i could have cracked a great PJ.. :)
Met two classmates today who are in the same office, they were almost the same as in college, chilled, talking nonsense just for the fun, the discussion abt bikes n all...I kept silent, the gap of so many years makes you feel strange meeting people you knew once...And a thought just crossed my mind...Am i the same as i was 2 years back? Lot of changes.But how could they manage the same attitude? I think you need to outgrow your attitude with time and places.Anyways, we discussed the general "whos where and doing what" stuff and after a while, i realised there had been a change.Change in way their lives are moving now, as of all around us..
Thats when i felt that all these things are transient- friends, people, fun,smiles.What is persistent is your desire to live, your desire to reach your satisfaction levels and the urge to find yourself....