Absent Minded...

I think at times, that i am pretty simple.Simple to understand,interpret and not at all subtle when it comes to my reactions and my behaviour.But am not.I am complex, in my own ways.Ways that awe me at times.I may be not thinking stereotypically at a time when at the same time my reactions and expressions seem controlled and close ended.I may be thinking about daring it and letting what i think,feel and interpret out at the same time,when at the moment,to you,i may sound too narrow minded.I may be hunched up and seem uncomfortable as i sit crouched in a corner with those bored up looks,but in the inside who knows am thinking about my dreams and smiling my smiles.I may with my group,my team, or my family,laughing and making merry,when at inside i may be troubled every now and then by strange thoughts,missing some times,missing some people out of the blue,remembering the ones i care for.You may think i am really "with you" when you are busy explaining something,but see my eyes,are they twinkling?If not, am not "with you", i am in some other world,a world of my thoughts.Thoughts which make me think 20 things at a time, while i am concentrating on neither of them..Lol.. I am writing this when i just thought about writing something else.I may be watching a movie, connecting to realities in some or other way,an emotional scene which makes me cry may be something out of the blue,giving me a license to shed some tears for a while..I come home so happy and cheerful and i cant stop talking ..But a conversation,a worry,a news,or just a introspection at things around me,or concern for my family, an act of getting misunderstood, and those smiles are lost in no time.I feel lost.Those walks with music on make me at peace.Make me feel proud at myself.Make me realise my worth in strange ways.Coz at those times, i feel like dancing in the winds,i feel like flying with my wings,i cherish the perfume the air brings and blessed i feel,and my heart sings..:):) At times, i feel life sucks.Next moment,i do not feel like talking .Sighs and some bad spirits.Those around me come to rescue.Start a conversation,make me smile, and am back again.Cracking jokes,laughing,smiling at myself for being moody.Am a typical cancerian.I am what i am..:-)

Some questions to myself!

I had been holding a dream for a while.And the excitement, and good things coming my way made it visible again.A hope rose from nowhere and i started believing that sooner or later, i will turn that dream into a reality.A path where all will be new, alive and full of life, as i want it to be.I hoped that i will,sooner or later,create a masterpiece of love and care with my experiences and encounters with life till now- that the biggest meaning to my life, my most sought after wish, that the thirst to get understood and cared for, the biggest promises i will make, all will be a reality well enjoyed and cherished by me.But, i feel it all trampled amidst some thoughts of uncertainty and destiny.What is there in store for me now that i have held the hand of destiny and looking out with open eyes in my search for brightness? Will that silent wish, lying deep within, always open to speak out but filled with uncertainties, be fulfilled as i want it? Or will compromises show on my faded smiles? Will those smiles that really come from my contented heart be the same or will those speak of a different language, or will they be epitome of acceptance? Because i want this decision, this wish to be as it is,i want that blessing in disguise to be a prompt thing, not something i need to " think about" and then coming upto the conclusion.I wanted to react according to the signals my heart gives,even if they are wrong, but somewhere, inside, i wanted my heart to speak out and mind to be silent. The confidence that i will bless someone's life with my presence may be called nothing by those who dont understand,will it mean everything, as it does to me to the one who i seek? Will our dreams match? Will my wish to be pampering and caring for even the smallest things in "his" life be trampled under some practicalities? Will it be living under same roof or really a confluence of hearts?Will the dream to respect and love his parents be a distant one? Will they think the same about my harmless intentions? Will the new meaning i seek and the care i will shower be understood?
Maybe yes, maybe blended with some compromises.I dont know as of yet.But if it doesnt, all will still be well but that dream will be trampled and i fear that.I will cope up but will i really? I again do not know.Why i think this right now? I do not know. What am i heading to? I do not know. It will be the way it has to be,still it troubles me.Prompts me to think and act.Prompts me to seek solace.I feel like a kid who is not getting his favourite bicycle at such time.I feel like kneeling down and asking god for a miracle at that moment.But, somewhere the belief still limps that all will be well, and if isnt,it will not be worse either!
P.S . :- The obvious answers are , as always known to me and all, but sometimes, i like these self talks which make me wonder after i have written that whether it was me thinking this serious stuff at the time ! so, this writeup doesnt seek any answers.. :-)

"You Are your world!! "

They say "Follow Your heart", they say " do what you wish for and all will be yours?" Is it really true? I wonder if it is.Not atleast in the matters of heart.No movie called "Rules" or no formula works when it comes to one sided liking or love at first sight or exaggerated infatuation, which if pursued may work wonders or whatsover.You cant really make the other person go mad about you unles you are the only person present on this earth except him/her? Blame the thought process.Blame the behaviour.Blame chemistry and vibes.Blame the mind and the heart.Blame the circumstances,destiny.But, do not blame yourself.Because, you are the whole of your emotions, your world.Could emotions persist in you if your heart wasnt there? Could you develop love, hate or an indifference, had your mind and heart not been in confluence/conflict at times? Hadnt that first look given you the confidence of " Yes, he is the one/she is the one?" Hadnt that mind helped your bruised heart when that small "No" had meant end of you world for some time? Some time,because you kept on moving as others did and you and them, both found out new destinations,and stoppages for that matter.Dont you find shelter in your loved ones, in form of increased attention towards them, catching up with friends, when you start feeling the burden of a broken heart, or some troubles that rip you apart,arent they really solved out/ pushed back when those beautiful words of sympathy by your wellwishers uplift you like anything.You always forget the ongoers,and who wish to stay with you and really do, are those who matter and should matter. Sometimes its difficult finding the difference between whos in and whos out of the shell i call "My world" ,some people and things keep on changing places, but the eternity is "You" or " me in my case.I see,listen, talk, interact,react feel.I make promises,break them,fulfil them, ignore,accept, compromise,love, care and i am the one to ignore, avoid,forget and forgive.Its all a "You" world you see.
So, be what you are and when you feel devoid of any emotion coming in your mind,just remember, you have yourself!

Monday Ke Funday!! :-)

I am happy today.No reasons as such,but yeah Monday and excitement is one thing thats so rare.:-).It goes like that most of the days.Mornings are refreshing,full of happiness, with all those jovial "Hi's " and "good mornings" and some comments from my side to make people laugh,some conversations and catching up with friends at times,my search among the crowd swarming in the office and in the bus,looking for some cheerful faces,and ofcourse troubling my colleagues by my stupid chats.:-) Today is the same, and it felt great to be calling one of my two sweetheart friends,and cribbing nonstop to her about what i am worried about, and laughing it off as i always do.But, something is really good about today.Don't know, but my spirits are too high.It is transient as half an hour more, and those client applications and tools will change place with this interesting blogger space.I waste most of the day moving here and there, talking, enjoying what i call a total destress phenomenon and get to work after lunch.But, it is totally worth it.I just went to my Lead's cabin and passed on a message to him, from a colleague.And then, he asked if i came on weekend to work to which i, with the most sweetest smile I could gather, said Yes.He thanked me for the work i and a teammate have been doing and it felt really great.Day made kind of compliment.And and and,the work for today has been assigned.So time to switch screens.I am just loving the day.. :-):-)

The golden Fish

Scene 1:
A school going boy with his mother at an aquarium shop.
"Mama, i want this aquarium,i just love the fishes in this one,see, the golden one is so beautiful,Mom, please,".
Mom says,"O dear! This ones like already sold,see the "ALREADY Sold" mark there.Come, lets see other ones.There are so many fishes out there darling.Lets see them all.You will "Like" others more,wont you?"
Kid-No, I want this one itself.I love it and lets have it, atleast try it for me.
Mom- Ok,if you say.
She hesitantly goes to the shopkeeper and Comes back after 2 minutes.
Kid-(with a smile on his face displaying pure innocence and hope) This golden fish is like awesome,one of the things i have loved so much.Thanks Mom.
Mom- I am sorry.The shopkeeper said NO.
Kid- (in tears but firm and quiet,probably hes very balanced)-Ok Mom.No problem,next time.
He manages a smile and his last thought "Its not always that you get what you wish" and a smile, or a laugh at the way things go, and he fades away with his mom never to come again to the shop.

Scene 2:

The aquarium with the golden fish is delivered to the real "owner".A big house, rich people and nice place.It becomes the limelight there for few days,and people are so excited there for their new aquarium and their beautiful fish.Few days, the charm fades away,people dont even care to look in the direction the mighty aquarium lies.Properly fed and watered, the fish starts feeling lonely due to the lack of attention and love poured onto it till sometime ago.Owners notice that feed is not being consumed,they get worried.They also notice that the golden fish has lost its sheen,it is ridden to a corner with no movement at all.Time passes,and nothning changes.One day, the fish dies.
Last thoughts:"I loved the way that boy adored me.I wished they could listen to my shrieks when i said:"Yes,i want to go with this child,i know he will take good care of me.Anyways,its fine.
"You don't always get what you want!"
A smile and its gone.

The Mighty Hope..

Hope is a bird, it becomes visible whenever you look above, to see the sky,and flies away as soon as it approaches you.For some, it may be an eagle who makes you fall prey to the despair it leave behind in case what you think would happen,doesnt fall into place, for some it may be the lucky dove bird, which becomes harbinger of peace and happiness. For some, it may be a sparrow, whom they feed just to satisfy their souls of the good they are doing to it,plain and simple out of good intention.For some,it may mean freedom, freedom to chirp, sing and fly away into the unknown.But hope never comes alone.It brings strength at times, to face the odds, at time happiness and smiles, at times remorse to be followed by acceptance, or at times, a revolution,when you break free from all contraints that are just so useless but a part of your life,just beacuse you think them to be.

"Let the hopes rise high,let your beautiful heart fly..
Its not always that you reap what you sow,
that you expect a warmth and you rather get a blow..
Break free and never make yourself feel tied by a rope,
Coz however worse it may become, the hopeless hope will let you cope.."

Ahem..:)

Ankhon hi ankho me...

I have been listening to this song so much off late.In Mornings which mean this song on the way to office and some silent introspection before the "Day at work" begins, during the day in between loads of work to move myself away from the chaos,after the office on way home which marks the start of "Me time", now that the work is killing .The music,especially is so rocking. Sung by Mohit chauhan, i have become a fan of almost all his songs.The way he blends emotion with his words is awesome.The lyrics of this particular song are sure to wake up the " dreaming kid" in you,what with the great music and cheerful words that left you wondering what you are doing in office doing some boring stuff.. :-P .Its become a habit to listen to this song, many a times every single day.Bogged down by the extreme pressure of work these days, this song when played on full volume takes me away from what is not appropriate(WORK..:-P) and makes me search for some meanings to the words that flow so beautifully coupled with the great music.
And the lines:" Chaand sitare sare benoor the, tumse mile tabhi roshan hue...Ek do kadam hi sahi milkar chalein..Kal kisne dekha hai kya bharose hai reh na jaye gile..." are sure to give anybody the "High..:)".
And the song's over,and the flight ends.:)
Back to loads of work!

Day dreamer..:-P

I am busy catching a flying feather,it will blow away with a breeze soon,
but a touch and i wanna feel like reaching my moon.
I wish to be the sun for a while,shining brightly at its best,
To be near the moon,catching glimpses and forgetting the rest.
To be a kid and ask for the fairy to fulfil my silent wish,
to be spoilt and cared for,and getting all what i want in my life dish.
To be smiling and feeling alive in a different way, every single day,
to be creating masterpieces in life,by the sands i have collected each day.
I wish the transient contentment to be fixed forever on my face,
i wish to flow in the memories,yet be the beholder of the golden phase.
I wish a fullstop somewhere,i wish a smile,a look and some care..