Soulful conversation

Your ridicule moistens my dry eyes ,always twinkling for life, still i manage to smile hard,
I curse myself for being what i am, and in the next moment feel that life as is is the biggest reward.
I feel a twitch in my heart when i see myself as a burden, from the words you speak,
The aloofness then returns loudly, and the voice of my silence overshadows my urge to shriek.
I try chaning places with you to know why and how you come upto conclusions which are a surprise,
I shrug and feel hollow,learning how misonceptions and misunderstandings arise.
I feel defeated,when you, a part of my small world, unfade my ugly side,
I would have been smiling my best, had you understood and lied.
Had you felt that i too have a heart and like doing somethings my way,
I wouldnt have regretted sharing my tiniest bits,had i had some more say.
I am selfish, i seek care and submissiveness,
I know i should shrug off some of my stubborness.
Its high time i be a butterfly without wings,
and be the epitome of peace that the compromise brings.
Time to put the thinking hat,time to grow up being a silent breeze,
to stop being a storm ,there is only this golden chance i should seize.
But i wonder,will i be the same colourful charming butterfly amongst beautiful flowers,
will i be,in my search for nectar,at the cost of my freedom,have the same smile with healing powers..?
Will my world still be the same,innocent,yet wise,
For a life that i chose,will i be time and again still paying the price,
Will the path be where i turn my footsteps,
or will it mean holding your hand and closing my eyes, i wonder...

The Wow Experience!

How does it feel to be sitting alone,in all peace,near marine drive,watching the green blue water splashing time and again at the rocks,making beautiful sounds and some distant ships adding to the glamour and an Oberoi hotel standing erect,with the JAZZ restuarant,living off the aura of the place? Sounds great i guess, and it really sounded like heaven for some odd moments.Long time back,but worth putting into words.I happened to visit a place near Marine drive long time back,and was alone by chance,and came a thought that the journey will be incomplete without a stay near marine drive.1: 00 PM.Sunny,but the cool breeze compensated for the weather.The beautiful rocks,some tiny tidbits-the ships,a hut like thing in middle of waters which looked magnificient,and the shore,like a beautiful island,with skyscrapers and right mix of colours- green and white flashed a scenic view.Engrossed,i felt,when i tried to fix my gaze to the farthest point visible,and there was this smoky lining which was so beautiful and left me feeling so at peace.Music on,cool breeze,the perfect rocks to give you the feel,and water sparkling and running back and forth amidst some rocks which stood tall. The half an hour i spent gazing was too good and worth capturing in my thoughts.I clicked some pics too.It was one of my Wow experiences and i,out of the blue,remembered,wake up sid..:-)

For ladies out there!! =) =)

My attempts at portraying a 16 year old girl's heart when it comes to crushes..:-)

"She has been holding onto something since sometime. In true terms,shes clinging onto a ghost.The short lived memory she remembers of the encounter with him,when she almost fell in love with him, the fun loving streak in him added to his handsome looks that made her believe he was the Raj who would come running to her,and thus will materialize happily, the dreams and life anew,with the title track of "DDLJ" and beats of shehnai,making her to shed some happy tears of mixed emotions.But,who would have known,that her visualisations are a mirage,and her Raj is still far,making out his way to reach her,accidentally,incidentally or intentionally,sometime sooner or later.But, the getting over part is always tough,and she had been having her share of that now."He" was somewhere distant,unaware,uninterested and inactive while she bubbled all the time with her frantic efforts to catch up with life.How much she wanted to be in touch with him ,only she knew.A ray of hope of a miracle happening and people getting together accidentally,on her mind, was what she lived for at some moments.She,all the time knew she was being silly but she wanted to be silly and enjoy the feeling.She wanted to feel the madness,the craziness and the stupor which made her feel like a 16 year old. She prayed to god,cribbed to friends about "Him",dreamt of him at times,thought of miracles happening and a broad smile crossed her face everytime she thought of him.When at times her mind hovered over her weak heart and all the soft corners seemed stiffened,she wondered whether he really deserved it?Did he and will he ever know that shes brimming with thoughts of him?Will he get the cues that will never ever be thrown by her deliberately? Will he ever try to know her and think about her? She knew the answers, he would not even give it a thought,leave aside trying to know her.She knew and was confident that there was no hope.But, he had already made her crazy.For a time till she found a new crush.And he will be gone, from her thoughts and dreams, a role reversal happening,when she would realise that she isnt getting any better clinging onto stupid memories,which never existed and will never do.
When a new crush she will develop will sweep her off her feet, then she will be off "him".She wont be feeling the same madness anymore,no deep thoughts like before.She wont be swaying like a wind,but will settle like a drop of water on a rose petal, shining bright and beautiful.She will let life around her blossom...

The fall will go,and the spring will arrive...Seasons change,so do feelings and emotions,but what stays is the heart and "You" and your Raj might be somewhere near, about to reach you and if he already is with you,it cant get better...:-P

A tribute to the woman in me...

Thought of putting down few lines,which i wrote on " I am proud to be a woman because", a 3 liner slogan contest organised at my workplace :(3 sentence limit was not enough and i was tempted to extend it but the "award points " that the contest promises to winners made me stick to rules..:-P)

"I am the one to develop life within you, i am the tears in your eyes whenever you're in pain,at your side when you're lost,the one to adore you when you feel low and uncared for.I shine when you smile,and can suffer whatever it takes for that.I live for you,for all life in this world- Am a mother,a daughter, a wife and an enterpreneur, and i am proud of my existence."

I cant wait for the results.Whatever, i loved what i wrote..= )

My attempts at Fiction 55

I am not sure what to pen down.Have a lot of thoughts cluttering my mind,generally during odd hours like these,when i think a lot about so much that needs to be done,but end up reading,staring at my gmail inbox,thinking some more and writing something off before i go sleep.Wish to write a fiction 55 now,came to know if it just now by reading someone's blog.

Remember,when we were kids, the fights and rants over pettiest things,my bullish attitude and tantrums that made you crazy,the photo together,my first day to school,that reminds me of our togetherness..Breaks my heart when i dont see the love, when you dont agree but still not fight,
Oh brother,wish you could be the same...

Dont know if its a good one or not...But it was worth a try..:)

Whatever has to happen,Happens no matter what!!

I am not loud generally, at peace and at my calm side most of the times,except when i am in my full spirits,in a mood to laugh,joke or have something big to gossip about or the times when i feel great after pursuing my hobbies.But, it is not a surprise that watever i think and how i appear to others, is a big contrast at times.I am a typical cancerian, no doubts at that. :-P.I joke,kid,smile and blush with people who are my world right now, my office group,(where i spend almost 10 hours a day on average), my roommates and few people i call friends, but the seriousness in my thoughts and sincerity of my goals doesnt reflect much in my conversations.I choose that as an option at times, because once i start cribbing, theres no end to it.:-). But jokes apart, i am taboo when it comes to talking and thinking about my dreams.I like my wishes,my dreams and my aims, to be somewhere deep within, not talked of or thought about,because it gives me a strange hope and i fear feeling broken in case they dont materialise.Not that i am not open to accepting defeats, i am pretty prepared most of the times when things dont fall into place as they should, but i like being superstitious and closed ended about what i want from life.I just came to recall one of the conversations, i had come from a trek,tired,exhausted but too excited and happy.The time was not apt to be sinking in a open ended conversation, coz i was in a mood to talk endlessly about my great experience of the trek.Yet, it went well but i later realized that it was a total failure from my side,an inefficient portrayal of what i am is a suitable phrase.I kept on talking and talking not even listening to what the other person has to say and that was indeed very cruel and sad on my part.Whenever i think about that, i shudder.What i portrayed of myself incidentally was the part when i am too enthusiastic and crazy, not the real me.No Matter what, that was a part of me talking anyways.But, somewhere this left me feeling that "Whatever happens, happens on its own" and in some ways, you cannot help changing,reforming or materializing some things in life.Its an altogether strange phenomenon. Even if you try hard to make things at place, they cant be unless the smallest entity involved is in full confidence and theres a green signal from the almighty/destiny or whatever stars you believe in.Whatever comes, goes some day.And it is always for the better that you convert your journey to a smaller station to a world tour.Who knows you may get the best which may help you forget the rest!!

Absent Minded...

I think at times, that i am pretty simple.Simple to understand,interpret and not at all subtle when it comes to my reactions and my behaviour.But am not.I am complex, in my own ways.Ways that awe me at times.I may be not thinking stereotypically at a time when at the same time my reactions and expressions seem controlled and close ended.I may be thinking about daring it and letting what i think,feel and interpret out at the same time,when at the moment,to you,i may sound too narrow minded.I may be hunched up and seem uncomfortable as i sit crouched in a corner with those bored up looks,but in the inside who knows am thinking about my dreams and smiling my smiles.I may with my group,my team, or my family,laughing and making merry,when at inside i may be troubled every now and then by strange thoughts,missing some times,missing some people out of the blue,remembering the ones i care for.You may think i am really "with you" when you are busy explaining something,but see my eyes,are they twinkling?If not, am not "with you", i am in some other world,a world of my thoughts.Thoughts which make me think 20 things at a time, while i am concentrating on neither of them..Lol.. I am writing this when i just thought about writing something else.I may be watching a movie, connecting to realities in some or other way,an emotional scene which makes me cry may be something out of the blue,giving me a license to shed some tears for a while..I come home so happy and cheerful and i cant stop talking ..But a conversation,a worry,a news,or just a introspection at things around me,or concern for my family, an act of getting misunderstood, and those smiles are lost in no time.I feel lost.Those walks with music on make me at peace.Make me feel proud at myself.Make me realise my worth in strange ways.Coz at those times, i feel like dancing in the winds,i feel like flying with my wings,i cherish the perfume the air brings and blessed i feel,and my heart sings..:):) At times, i feel life sucks.Next moment,i do not feel like talking .Sighs and some bad spirits.Those around me come to rescue.Start a conversation,make me smile, and am back again.Cracking jokes,laughing,smiling at myself for being moody.Am a typical cancerian.I am what i am..:-)